disclaimer: i think waterbirth is amazing, i really do. but in doing some soul searching, i've come to the conclusion that it's just not for me. i don't think it's bad or 'less than' or anything. it's just not me. so please don't take offense if you've had a waterbirth. this isn't about you, it's about me.
i started this pregnancy being overwhelmingly drawn to waterbirth. i read stories, watched videos, surfed around waterbirth websites....started gathering supplies, too. posted questions on forums on what all i would need, etc.
and then, i stopped. not consciously. i wasn't even aware that my interest had waned....until i started going over my supply list a few days ago. i realized i hadn't gotten any more waterbirth supplies. hadn't wanted to, actually. why? why would i suddenly go from being drawn to waterbirth, to now ignoring it?
i thought about the stories i'd read and videos i'd seen. they all looked and sounded wonderful...why didn't i want that? why was my mind rebelling? i compared what i had seen and read to my UC 3 years ago...what were the differences? what was it about land that seemed so much better than water?
i don't know why, but it suddenly hit me....the mess. yes, the mess. one of the things people freak out about or have umpteen million questions about when they hear 'homebirth' in the first place...some women actually go to hospitals and birthing centers because they don't want to deal with it. me? i want it. and i'm afraid the water in the pool would lessen the experience for me.
yes. i want to grab a slippery baby, maybe covered in vernix, maybe not, and hold it next to my heart, smelling the amniotic fluid and the blood and everything else, and i want to have that unadulterated mess on my skin for as long as i want it there, to be washed off at a time that is convenient and appropriate for me and the baby. i don't want to miss it. i don't want it to be in the water i'm sitting in, to be pumped out of the pool and washed away.
there's just something about it that taps into a primal part of my brain and triggers hormones and endorphins and makes it all so vivid...it's a trip. really. that's the only way i can think of to phrase it. suddenly you're the most powerful thing in the universe, having just pushed out and brought forth a new life, and here you are, holding this new life, sitting in the mess that helped create and nurture it for 9 months...and the rest of the world falls away. this is it. this is all that exists, all that matters for right now. and you know in the back of your mind, if anything threatened this tiny creature, you'd bare your teeth and rip the threat to shreds. you'd call up reserves of strength you never thought you possessed and set the world on fire if that's what it took.
and that's what i want. again.
waterbirth is beautiful, it is. but, in my mind, on my most basic, primal level, water dampens, it puts out fires. and the fire is what i need.